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Spurs 0-0 Man Utd: A Delayed Match Report – And With Good Reason

Apologies for the delay –since the final whistle sounded on Sunday afternoon the denizens of AANP Towers have spent every waking minute traipsing the country searching for anyone – anyone – willing to buy Peter Crouch from us. It does not have to be the chairman of a football team. He could be bought by a British Basketball Association franchise, or shoved into a museum for small children to gawp at. In fact, since the finishing touches are being put to my latest abode, and I now scour the world’s furnishing shops for a tall lamp to stand next to the very sexy black glass shelving unit, I am considering pilfering Crouch myself and shoving him a corner with a candle in his ear. Admittedly it will not undo the entirely vacuous contribution he made against United, but it would probably ensure that ‘Arry buys the striker we’re crying out for, or at least that he next time picks Defoe, or Pav, or even Carlo blinking Cudicini in attack.I perhaps exaggerate the blighter’s ineptitude, but only marginally. The dust has been allowed to settle for several days, yet harking back to the match still fills me with mild apoplexy. If anyone on the pitch looked conspicuously short of Title-challenging quality, ‘twas he. Presumably included on the basis of his ability to tee things up for VDV he was exposed as woefully incapable of offering any sort of aerial challenge to the sinister Vidic, leaving me and several of those around me to wonder whether Defoe might have caused the United back-line more problems nearer ground-level. Crouch was also treated to possibly the clearest goalscoring opportunity of the match but, alas, used the moment to add to the ever-expanding body of evidence that he is anything but a natural goalscorer (or even, to quote the more acid-tongued, a natural footballer). According to the bespectacled, anorak-clad types at Opta Crouch’s pass completion rate was apparently 32%, suggesting an allergy to the ball rather than an ability to hold it up and link play. Damning stuff, when taken in its entirety.

Anyway, if Niall Quinn is wondering why he has had champagne and caviar delivered to him every evening, a gleaming new Lamborghini has turned up in his driveway and several bars of solid gold left on his doormat, all accompanied by notes reading, “With compliments, AANP”, it is because Sunderland are rumoured to have a passing interest in signing Crouch. Egads man, take him! Take him!

Elsewhere On The Pitch

Elsewhere we fared well enough, our heroes having the better of the game without ever really convincing anyone that a goal was imminent. There was imperious stuff from Modders and Daws, and adequate stuff from Sergeant Wilson; while BAE, fast making a career of flitting between sublime and ridiculous, opted for the former, shoving Nani into his rear pocket and keeping him there for the duration, presumably to the incredulity of Alan Hansen. One mildly disappointing aspect was that after the sending-off young Master Bale did not slowly turn to ad hoc right-back Darren Fletcher and give him the blood-curdling grin of a fully-blown psychotic type, before absolutely mutilating him. Fletcher got off rather lightly in those final 15 minutes, for no obvious reason, and a thigh-slappingly good opportunity to barge back into the title race – and, more pertinently, the top four – gently edged away.

Leaps and bounds no doubt, but the progress of the last couple of years is probably not such as to make us title-challengers yet. A couple of well-chosen signings ought to do the trick. On which note…

Pienaar

In all honesty he’s someone I know by hearsay and Match of the Day’s condensed highlights, rather than having scouted vigorously for the last few years. However, although not the rampaging striker for which we yearn, he seems a talented attacking sort, and can apparently play left, right or centre. Moreover, if his arrival shoves Jenas down the pecking order then I will happily lock myself away in a dark for several years while I grow my hair, before braiding it and tattooing “Pienaar 40” across my back. Bolstering the quality of playing personnel as we move into the second half of the season seems a noble practice, and increasing the competition for places ought to give a healthy edge to things. Finally, as a valedictory note I wish to applaud the young man for opting for Spurs over that odious bunch from West London. Bravo sir, may your stay be long and successful.

6 Responses

  1. j Says:

    How comes Crouch never gets injured?! (not that I’d wish that etc)

  2. Anonymous Says:

    can someboby tell me one reason, just one, why crouch is playing in premier league

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Going up against probably the best defender in the world, the man should perhaps get a little slack. Although I undoubtedly agree he is not the most gifted finisher, I would also think it undoubtedly obvious that he has generally brought the best out of VDV, and in that sense I certainly prefer him to Pav. While I think Defoe will come good, you also must admit his form has been off since returning from injury. So while I certainly wouldn’t mind replacing Crouch with a more prolific scorer in a hold up striker, unless Levy pulls that trigger, Crouch will often remain the best choice in a 4-5-1.

  4. davspurs Says:

    Why have you singled Crouch out because the two who are on Utd radar where shocking Bale and Van this is where your anger should be directed at. I warned you that Utd would stop us playing with there main player this year energy before style this is why they are unbeaten. You must have noticed even Berbatov has lost weight Nani would have bean outstanding but my campaign aimed at his mysterious departure from the World Cup scuppered his game he looked more like the real Nani. So lads here is the remedy stop changing the way we play to accommodate Van because Madrid realised this, you cant change nine players for Van . Tell me this we beat Inter without him by playing 442 we scored four against Blackburn without him we beat Liverpool when he went off. This is not a rant against Van he his superb but Harry needs to find a better place for Van The problem is since we signed him our goals tally has dropped but it has gone up when we go back to two strikers and Van is injured Harry played five in midfield originally to stop us conceding with a weak defence now we don’t need it we are stuck with who we leave out. I swear when i seen the team at Everton i knew we would struggle and it was not because of Crouch Lets look at what Van gives Spurs he brings experience and a higher profile Harry has always said he his not yet match fit yet he looks like he his one stretch away from getting injured he says and talks like he loves Spurs yet the other day he said we are not a big club but a traditional club. This is like saying she is not good looking but a good wife. This is the reality you cant play with two wingers without Hudds to get them away from there double markers Modric can pass 15 yards at pace but that’s it to put it in Cricketing terms he is a medium bowler Hudds is a fast Bowler who can also bowl medium and spin he can do every pass and score the odd thunderbolt GOAL. When Patrige just like Fergie looks at how to stop us he will tell the energy bunnies to harras the defence and make them launch the ball to Crouch and the defender will nudge Crouch in the back and the ball will be picked up by the packed midfield with Defoe upfront with Crouch we have two options and we can mix our play up. This would be the Team i would play at Newcastle Gomes Kaboul Dawson Gallas Bale Lennon Pienaar Van Modric Defoe Crouch yes Crouch with Defoe will work if we sacrifice a winger till Huddlestone returns When Hudds returns Harry should pair him with Dawson and that will work his record playing there is he has never bean on a losing side and that is with one recognised centre back Woodgate alonside him amazing stat but true.

  5. siberiaspur Says:

    Sorry to agree (a bit) with dav but if you’re gonna accomodate VDV, and use Bale and Lennon, then you have to have Crouch. Two wingers and Defoe on his own is nonsense. Pav only slightly less so. 4-4-2 works for us ‘Arry – figure it out!

  6. JimmyG2 Says:

    You have failed in your mission and return with dishonour.
    Get back out there.
    Everyone predicted that Vidic would eat Peter alive and so it came to pass, but not to score, or pass either when I come to think about it.

    10 minute cameo for Defoe was literally pointless but old Spurs hands are saying,’At least we didn’t lose it’.

    Need an upgrade on our strikers if we are going to make top four again especially as with the return of Dawson we seem to be keeping clean sheet again.

    Matron is delighted.

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