Tag: Spurs transfers

Categories
Spurs transfers

Spurs’ Transfer Window Doings Get The Thumbs Up

Believe it or not, back at the start of the transfer window most of the talk at the Lane was whether or not Stewart One-Trick Downing would dip his right shoulder, dart out to the left and pitch up in N17. Seems an age ago now, n’est-ce pas? And who would have possibly imagined back then, as we mixed over-strengthed home-made cocktails on 31 December 2008, that the mid-winter spending spree would end with Defoe, Keane and Chimbonda back in lilywhite? AANP peers back through the January transfer window and tries to make sense of the madness.Players In 

Pascal Chimbonda: Villainous human being, but versatile defender of good quality. Smart thinking, ‘Arry.

Wilson Palacios: Who knows? Haven’t seen enough of him to give an opinion, but hearsay suggests that this is a midfielder who can pass and tackle, pure and simple. As such, he ought to be the best thing since sliced bread, although on reflection, sliced bread really ain’t so special, presuming you possess your own knife. I digress. If the hype is true, Palacios will be our most important signing in years.

Jermain Defoe: Might not be the complete all-round striker, but by golly he can shoot – on target and with venom in his ickle size sixes. We need goals, he scores goals, value for money, QED. (see http://www.allactionnoplot.com/?p=196)

Robbie Keane: Controversial. In purely footballing terms he’s a good buy – but it’s so much more than a purely footballing buy with Keane (see http://www.allactionnoplot.com/?p=307).

Players out:

Hossam Ghaly: Probably in everyone’s best interests. We may be childish to hold a grudge for so long, but at least we can’t be accused of fickleness with this one. Unlikely ever to be re-signed.

Paul Stalteri: Served his purpose as a propaganda tool for ‘Arry, who gave him a squad number to show what a motivator he is, then never played him and sold him at the first opportunity.

Cesar Sanchez: Aka “that Spanish goalkeeper”. Might be world class for all we know, but I get the impression ‘Arry would have played Aaron Lennon in goal before picking this chap. He rather sums up the Wendy Ramos reign.

Still at the Lane… Just: Giovanni dos Santos: Alright, he’s only played about 5 minutes of football for us, but it would have been a mighty disappointment had his transfer to Pompey gone through. He’s young enough to improve, he presumably has flair (having come from some Spanish outfit called Barca), injuries have deprived him of a chance to prove himself and he’s supposedly a left-sided attacker. Commons sense suggests he needs another year to bed in and show what he’s about – so we can expect him to be jettisoned straight away in the summer.

Aaron Lennon: Ooh, I’d have caught a small tropical bird and strangled it if we’d traded off Lennon to Liverpool in a swap for Keane, as mooted in some circles. He may never be the player his promise suggests he ought to become, but he’s undoubtedly been one of our best in this season of general mediocrity.

Jermaine Jenas: Hilarious rumours of a move to Inter collapsed when it emerged that the basis for the story was that Jose Mourinho had picked him in his fantasy league team back in the summer. It makes much more sense.

David Bentley and his hair: Seems we can’t go selling off all the mirrors in the changing room just yet. Bentley was reportedly being offered as a slab of meat in any one of a number of deals (Keane, Jones, Downing) but with a loving flick of his fringe he’ll remain at the Lane for several months yet. His attitude has improved this month, it would be nice to see his form pick up proportionally.

Darren Bent: Despite his two-goal salvo at the weekend, despite the injury to Defoe, despite ‘Arry’s protestations that really he rated him all along , the feeling nevertheless persists that poor old Bent will be out the door first decent offer we get. That charming combination of an earnest, well-meaning attitude combined with chronic and almost comical displays of inability have started to remind me of Fawlty Towers’ Manuel.

Missed Targets 

Stewart One-Trick Downing: Was within a whisker of becoming ‘Arry’s first signing. His supporters claim he would give the side natural balance; his detractors – including yours truly – claim that he’s just not particularly good, and certainly not £15 mil worth of good.

Kenwyne Jones: Still yet to see him play (beyond MOTD highlights) but in theory he would have been a good idea, being a striker with a bit of physical presence. Sunderland boss Ricky Sbragia became so flustered he threatened to start crying and tell his Mum if we continued to pursue him, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see this story re-emerge in the summer.

Stephen Appiah: Did I imagine all this? Does the guy even exist? Newspapers, magazines, websites and flies on walls were unanimous in claiming that Appiah was having trial after trial with us throughout January – yet deadline day came and went, and there was no news on the chap. Not a murmur. A bit like Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects – supposedly a bit important, but no-one’s seen him, no-one knows where he is, and like that… he’s gone.

Quaresma: Might have offered balance on the left, might have proved too much of a big girl’s blouse for the Premiership. Either way, he’s at Chelski now so we can all hate him.

The AANP Verdict 

In the style of Joaquim Phoenix’s character in Gladiator, on careful consideration I give this transfer window a thumbs up. Cudicini, Chimbonda, Defoe and (just about) Keane each represent good bits of business on their own criteria; while the failure to buy Downing strikes me as a lucky escape, and the retention of Giovanni (albeit by accident rather than design) pleases me. Having initially moaned about how difficult it is to buy decent players in January, it doesn’t surprise me that ‘Arry ended up splashing out the annual GDP of a small, third-world country, but I’m breathing a little more easily now than I was a month ago.

Categories
Spurs transfers

Robbie Keane Returns, Confused Fans Wonder Whether to Cheer or Jeer

The Tottenham transfer policy has begun to spiral beyond the realms of reason with the news of Keane’s return.  The policy of buying back players, which had seemed ironic and mildly amusing at first, now appears to be a dedicated strategy on the part of Levy and Redknapp, with predictable jokes now being made about the imminent return of Mido, Mabbut and Mullery.. However, while the return of Defoe was greeted in the wildly over-zealous manner of a human deity, Robbie Keane’s is likely to be a little harder to stomach for the N17 regulars. Opinion will, inevitably, be split between haters and slightly reluctant accepters, but there are arguments in both camps…“Tree Cheers For The Oirish Scamp!” 

He’s a worker. Yes, he moans, wags his finger and rather tediously blames everyone but himself – but he also buzzes around with the verve of a three year-old who’s been force-fed sugar and class A drugs. Such an attitude is vastly preferable in a relegation scrap to that of a prima donna more obsessed with keeping his shirt dazzlingly white and flicking his fringe.

We made an £8 mil profit over six months. Huzzah! Admittedly this is neither here nor there for the fans – it’s not like the entire sum will be poured into ticket-price reductions. In fact, the entire sum and more might one day be spent upon Stewart One-Trick Downing, but let’s not depress ourselves. Schadenfreude is one of the most wonderful things on God’s green earth, and the opportunity to laugh at Liverpool ought not to be passed up.

“That Treacherous Scoundrel Is Not Fit To Wear The Shirt…” 

He’s no target-man. Forgive my imbecility, but I had thought we were after a great hulking mammoth of a front-man? A Kenwyne Jones-esque beast of a striker, who eats small animals and children for his half-time snack, and who can’t be barged off the ball by a whole fleet of Soviet tanks. Robbie Keane has many, attributes, but being the long-lost twin of Emile Heskey is not one of them.  Having prioritised a big-man upfront, this concerted change of transfer policy is striking – and potentially flawed if ‘Arry remains unconvinced by Pav and Bent.

The Keane-Defoe conundrum. So how does this fit in with Jermain Defoe? Admittedly Defoe is now out for 10 weeks, so there was a very strong case for splashing the cash and bringing in another proven Premiership striker, and pronto. However, Defoe is not about to retire. He’ll be back one day, and when he is we can once again all twist our knickers and write reams and reams about the folly of trying to pair Keane and Defoe. History suggests that failure to solve this one, again, will lead to one of them throwing toys from pram and legging it out of the Lane. As a small child I would shrug and assume that someone, somewhere knew what was going on. Now I shrug and file everything that happens at the Lane under the heading “All Action, No Plot”.

And one final thought, to be mulled over at your leisure. Where the blazes is all this money coming from?

Categories
Spurs transfers

Cudicini Arrives, and The Reunion Continues With Chimbonda

This bewildering January transfer window looks set to become even more discombobulating, with the news that stroppy Pascal Chimbonda is on his way back to the Lane, gloves, leggings and all, just six months or so since being packaged off to Sunderland by Wendy Ramos et al. While opinion might be split on the wisdom of this move, there can’t be many Spurs fans who aren’t pleased to hear that we’ve also snapped up Chelski reserve ‘keeper Carlo Cudicini on a free.Although I’m generally reluctant to pass judgement on the character of a man I’ve never met, Chimbonda certainly came across as less than thoroughly likeable. The odd story of his mercenary antics was followed by a rather public and self-centred tantrum on being substituted during last year’s Carling Cup Final. Lucky then, that the point of football is not to make friends and invite neighbours around for tea, but is actually geared towards winning matches (although this may be news to some of our midfield). Whatever his personality traits, Chimbonda is a pretty handy defender. Not long ago he was being courted by  Chelski as one of the best right-backs in the country, as well as which he’s a versatile so-and-so, which could prove handy what with Ledley’s legs falling apart, Hutton out for the season and Corluka ineligible in Europe. The reported figure is likely to be around £3mil, and I can certainly remember times when we’ve paid more players of lesser quality.

The return of Chimbonda, hot on the heels of Defoe, has me wondering who else might renewing old acquaintances at N17. Robbie Keane was left out of the Liverpool squad on Sunday, and with admirable maturity responded by staying at home altogether. It’s not inconceivable that he could cast a nostalgic glance back down south, remembering the victory jig against l’Arse, the walk up the Wembley steps to lift the Carling Cup, and his legendary encounter with yours truly on Bill Nich Way, when he posed for a picture. Such memories were the stuff of dreams, and it would be only natural if he were to yearn for a return to such former glories. Indeedy, I’ve heard that ‘Arry has over the last 24 hours spoken of his admiration for Keane and how much he’d love him at the Lane etc etc, but then ‘Arry seems to say that about must Premiership players with a pulse. Of the other possible candidates for a reunion of Martin Jol’s (blessed be his name) class of 2005 – 07, I’d personally love to see Steed back at the Lane, but I suspect Sunderland boss Ricky Sbragia’s head would literally pop if we tried to sign any more of his squad.

The news of Cudicini’s arrival – on a free transfer moreover – has been greeted with vigorous nods of approval and murmurs of commendation at All-Action-No-Plot towers. Until Cech parked up in England, Cudicini was regarded as one of the best ‘keepers in the league. Gomes has become one of our best players since the weekly calamities of the start of the season, but there can be little argument that we needed cover in the department, and Cudicini goes beyond that by offering genuine competition. I also prefer that our reserve goalkeeper (if indeed Cudicini is to be the reserve) is an experienced head, rather than Alnwick, or, as has very occasionally been mentioned in months gone by, Joe Hart. With Shay Given being touted at upwards of £5 mil, Cudicini is a smart signing in just about every sense.

They may not be spring chickens, but both Chimbonda and Cudicini are proven quality in the Premiership, and in these days of inflated price tags, both have come pleasingly cheap. After the early January talk of Stewart Downing, the purchases of Cudicini and possibly Palacios, along with Defoe and Chimbonda, represent pretty decent business, on paper at least. Would you believe it, I’m actually feeling quite upbeat.

Categories
Spurs transfers

Obama and Palacios – the Audacity of Hope

Remember the date. 21 January 2009 – it could be the first day of a very different future. On one man’s shoulders the hopes of an entire generation are pinned. Is change really coming? Or are we all just getting a little too carried away? Are we basing everything on optimism for the future, and forgetting how relatively unproven the chap is? Or does the fact that no-one has a bad word to say about him indicative of a man of history-changing talent?Well, like millions of others, I can’t even remember what it was like for Spurs to have a midfield ball-winner, but Wilson Palacios has now signed, subject to a work permit. If all goes to plan, he’ll provide the grit we’ve lacked for so long, freeing Modric, Lennon and, er, Downing to bomb on forward and cut opponents to ribbons. We’ll then haul ourselves out of the bottom half, somehow qualify for Europe, next season make the Champions League, attract Kaka and win every piece of silverware going. What’s that? Can’t we Spurs fans just for once observe a single day’s events with a tiny degree of perspective and restraint? Not on your life. Today is the day that history changes, for an entire generation. Change is coming, baby!

(Sometimes I like to watch some cricket, sip a good bourbon and pause to reflect upon activity in the all-action-no-plot universe. In such quieter moments I’ll probably observe that 14 or so mil is a heap of money, and that he’d better be good. I’ll remind myself that we’ve lacked a quality defensive midfielder for decades.  I’ll muse that my viewings of Palacios have, in the main, been limited to MOTD. I’ll also be aware that he is highly spoken of, and that Man Utd and Real Madrid, rather than, say, West Ham and Fulham, have been linked with him. And ultimately I’ll conclude that only time will tell. We can but hope.)

Categories
Spurs transfers

Comedy Gold

Some Friday afternoon humour for you:Two goldfish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and says “So how the hell do we drive this thing?”

First man: Can you help me? I’m looking for a dog with one eye.
Second man: Trying opening your other eye. It will double your chances of finding him.

 

Inter Milan boss Jose Mourinho has confirmed to Sky Sports News that he is interested in signing Jermaine Jenas. 

Oh, the hilarity…

Oh, the hilarity…

 

Categories
Spurs transfers

Luke-Warm Transfer Gossip – Palacios In, Jenas Out?

Since picking up a troublesome back injury last year, I seem to have lost a yard of pace, and as a result I’ve rather struggled to keep up with the transfer gossip this window. However, it takes more than the imminent onset of paralysis to stop me from moaning about Spurs, so here for your visual delectation is the most comprehensive guide to transfer rumours at N17 on any site called All Action, No Plot:Kenwyne Jones (Sunderland): Levy’s transfer policy seems pretty simple: pick a half-decent player, double his realistic value, add £5 million – by this time you’re likely to be waving a cheque for £15 million at the chairman of an occasional Premiership club – and hey presto! After 16 mil for Bent, 15 mil for Pav, 15 mil for Bentley and 15 mil for Defoe we’ve now had a 10 mil bid for Jones turned down, with eavesdroppers reckoning that 15 mil should be enough. Sigh. I don’t spend every spare minute studying the form of random Premiership players, but if Jones were really so special he’d be setting the goalscoring charts alight/a household name/sought after by the big four/all of the above.

 

Wilson Palacios (Wigan): Another one in the magic £15 mil bracket, but merrily this guy has been eyed by Man Utd and Real Madrid – which makes him a darn sight better than Bent or Bentley. Rumour has it that he might be the holding midfielder we’ve been crying out for since the dawn of man, but I know better than to get my hopes up, and fully expect him to materialise as a worse version of Didier Zokora, should he sign. The guy’s autobiography is truly all-action-no-plot, with his 15 year-old brother having been kidnapped and held up for ransom in his native Honduras, poor blighter. Might well be a Spurs player by the time you read this.Stephen Appiah (free agent): Earlier this week I read that Appiah had completed his medical… and returned home. What the blazes? What the hell sort of denoument is that? That’s like watching two hours of Terminator 2, getting to the bit when the evil Terminator corners Sarah Connor in the steelworks factory… and then she wakes up. It would have been a rubbish ending. However, it turned out not to be the ending at all, as Appiah has reportedly reappeared at the Lane to partake in more training sessions and practice matches. Free transfer, which will disappoint Levy, who won’t be able to dish out a further £15 mil.

Craig Bellamy (West Ham): With Man City dithering over whether to go for Bellamy or Kaka, it appears Spurs might yet swoop in for the loveable golf-club-wielding cherub, leaving the red-faced northerners with no option but to splash out on the best Brazilian since Pele. Hahaha, that’ll learn ’em.

Stewart Downing (Middlesborough): Mediocre? Worth not much more than £5 mil? Then Spurs will bid £15 mil for him. I celebrated like we’d won the Carling Cup when I heard that Boro were refusing to let him go. Be warned however – the transfer window still has two weeks to run, so with a dip of his right shoulder and dart out to the left young Downing could yet be heading to the High Road. Would rather stick Three-Touch O’Hara or even Gareth Bale out left for the rest of the season, and then pursue Joe Cole in the summer.

Antonio Valencia: Hmmm, yes, another right winger. Exactly what we need. Smart thinking chaps.

And possibly going the other way…

Jermaine Jenas: Huzzah! How wonderful it is to wake of a morning and, for a change, be greeted by news headlines bearing glad tidings. The report of the successful plane landing on the Hudson River was indeed such positive news, but barely compares to the best rumour of the millenium – that Jermaine Jenas could be on his way out of Spurs. Could it be true? Well, let’s not kill the fattened calf just yet – it seems efforts to add him as a makeweight in any of the above deals have stalled, as none of the clubs in question want him. If only these clubs were managed by any of the Spurs and England managers of the past five years, he’d be an automatic starter… Maybe I do Jenas an injustice here – his effort and attitude has always been admirable, and he was a key component of the team that dismantled l’Arse and Chelski in winning the Carling Cup. He’s still gut-wrenchingly awful though, and his departure from the Lane would make the all-action-no-plot universe a better place.

Darren Bent: Bless him, he can earnestly bleat on all he likes about getting his head down and making the most of his chances, but he’ll never cut it at the Lane. More likely to be mentioned in the same breath as Postiga and Raziak than Greaves and Lineker, it seems that Levy will pretend the whole £16 mil thing never happened, and just chuck him in as a sweetener for Jones or Bellamy, or someone. Worth sticking a fiver on to score against us at some point in 2009.

 

This article also appears on the cracking Spurs blog The Proud Cockerel: http://www.clubfanzine.com/tottenham_hotspur/index.php

Categories
Spurs news

Kaka for £100 million, Adriano for Bale… All-Action-No-Plot Transfer Talk

What the blazes? For the last couple of weeks the January transfer window has provided a view into a serene and rather bland British landscape, with the return of Jermain Defoe the best on offer, and other gossip being limited to moves for the likes of James Beattie and Dean Windass. Within the last 24 hours however, the window has turned into a portal into the All-Action-No-Plot universe, as the football world and everything in it has suddenly become completely mental.

Kaka to Man City for £100 million? Adriano on loan to Spurs from Inter – with Gareth Bale going the other way? Pick your jaw up from the floor, for I jest ye not – these are the rumours doing the rounds today. And they’re not just rumours either – representatives have been holding clandestine meetings. Clandestine meetings! Actual negotiations are taking place!Kaka 

 

However, this isn’t Lucas Neill or Cashley Cole we’re talking about – this is Kaka. Filthy lucre is not going to turn the head of this man, not even the brain-frying sum of £250k per week. (Per fricking week!!!). This is a man who famously wore a t-shirt proclaiming that he belonged to Jesus. This is a man who gives one tenth of his weekly wage to charidee, and who probably spends his spare time helping to build orphanages for one-legged, rabid kids in the world’s poorest countries.

Kaka currently plies his trade alongside Maldini, Ronaldinho, Gattuso, Beckham, Pato and Inzaghi. On offer is the prospect of weekly shuttle runs alongside Micah Richards, Darius Vassell and Stephen Ireland (actually, that Ireland is pretty slick, but you get the point). One suspects that even sums of money so large they need to be delivered to his pad in a wheelbarrow each week might not be enough to lure him away from the San Siro. 

 

Adriano – Bale 

 

However, I suspect he’s better than Fraizer Campbell and poor old Darren Bent, and as such I’d welcome him, particularly on a loan deal. It’s the Gareth Bale part of this rumour that has me desperately grasping for some semblance of reality. Adriano for Bale? Who dreamt that one up?

Inter boss Jose Mourinho presumably is thinking of the Gareth Bale from the start of last season, the all-action-no-plot teenage left-back with a burst of pace and an eye for goal. He’s clearly unaware of the amazing regression that has taken place, Darwinism in reverse, that sees the lad quiver every time the ball goes near him and time his tackles with all the nous of a blind giraffe on stilts.

Still, if Inter are willing, why not? And why stop there – let’s see who else they want to trade. Jenas for Zlatan Ibrahimovic? Bentley for Javier Zanetti? Three-Touch O’ Hara for Cambiasso? Bale for Adria- oh wait, hang on a moment…

(Amidst all this madness, spare a thought for Darren Bent. Having had barely a sniff last season, he became first choice at the start of this campaign, only to be left out to dry in a 4-5-1, then saw Pavluychenko arrive, followed by Defoe, with ‘Arry now in talks for another striker. Bent must wonder what he’s done in a previous life, or who is manufacturing the voodoo dolls in his image. Knowing his luck, next time he walks out of the tunnel at the Lane a grand piano will probably fall out of the sky and land on him. Poor blighter).

Categories
Spurs transfers

Jermain Defoe is a Yiddo. Again.

The return of Defoe – and his good lady – to Norf London will certainly please the Park Laners who have been yelling his name even as Pav and Bent have been knocking them in, but while I hate to pop the balloons, pour the alchohol down the sink and kick everyone out, I do wonder – is this really what we need?
On the plus side, he’s undoubtedly a top finisher, as capable of fashioning a goal when picking up the ball 45 yards out as he his at poaching from inside the six-yard box. As he’s hardly likely to be played alone up-front, his arrival suggests a switch to 4-4-2 – another plus point in the all-action-no-plot book. And our current assortment of three strikers just isn’t enough, if we’re competing on several fronts. Although Defoe will be ineligible in the Uefa cup, merrily it seems he’s good to go in the Carling.

 

Less positively – personally I’d bring in a defensive midfielder. But then, every day since I was five years old I’ve prayed for peace on earth, one million pounds and a defensive midfielder at Spurs, so this will always be a gripe of mine. For £15 mil we could buy a decent defensive midfielder and a half-decent third/fourth-choice striker.Also, while we’ve been short of goals, this has hardly seemed to be the strikers’ faults. They’ve not exactly been missing chances; they’ve been starved of service. Particularly within 4-5-1, when they’ve needed noses like hounds – small, black and wet – just to get a sniff of the ball.

All told, however, I can’t lie – I’m chuffed to bits to see Defoe return. In a parallel universe we would instead spend several million on a striker who’s really not that good at goalscoring – we’ve certainly got previous there – so a hard worker with pace and a pretty darn good scoring record is fine by me.His return raises some key questions – not least who will partner him, out of Bent and Pav. My roubles are on the Russian, but time will tell.More pressing is the issue of which shirt number he ends up with, given that Fraizer Campbell is currently keeping the legendary number 18 warm. As the spikey-haired youths of the Park Lane dust off their year-old “Defoe 18” jerseys there will be some clamour to restore this to him. However, Mr Levy strikes me as one who won’t pass up the opportunity to dispense with a century of tradition if he can make a fast buck out of it, so I suspect Defoe’s 18 will become a thing of the past, and a brand new number will be unveiled, thereby swelling the Megastore coffers. This is an era when Paul Stalteri can wear the number 7, and William Gallas the number 10, so heaven knows what Defoe will end up with. Good to have you back, lad.

 

 
 
 

 

Categories
Spurs transfers

Spurs to sign Stewart Downing? Oh hell…

Oh hell. Stewart “One-Trick” Downing has dipped his right shoulder, galloped off to the left and handed in a transfer request at ‘Boro. For some reason three successive Spurs managers have pursued him, and the wires suggest that he’ll soon be ours, for around £11 mil.
The faithful down the Lane are a good vocal bunch – The Sunday Times, no less, had us down as the second-noisiest Premiership crowd in the land, by decibel, earlier this season (behind Stoke, or Sunderland or someone) – but we’re not slow to criticise our own either. As such, I can’t help thinking that as soon as One-Trick dips his right shoulder, gallops off to the left and starts whipping crosses into orbit he’ll get all sorts of stick from the Park Lane.

Make no mistake, I really hope we get behind the guy if/when he arrives, in the same way that I hope he delivers the goods for us. I just fear the worst. This is a barrage of abuse waiting to happen. It’s not big or clever, we ought not to do it, but there’s a simple way of negating all this – don’t buy him, ‘Arry!!! Stick Bale, or Jamie “Three-Touch” O’Hara out left instead. Or Adel Taraabt. Or have a go out wide yourself, ‘Arry. Or, if you must, continue with Bentley.

I find it a little bewildering to be formulating plans aimed at correcting something which hasn’t yet happened. It’s a bit like being the chap in Terminator trying to save John Connor before he was born. Ah well, such is life in the all-action-no-plot universe. I’m just a time-travelling freedom fighter trying to save humanity, and with a dip of the right shoulder and gallop out to the left, One-Trick Downing is an almost-indestructible Terminator, looking to screw everything up. Maybe the solution is to throw ‘Arry into a vat of burning liquid metal. (I think it’s time for me to have a lie-down.)